Some tips to the women who perceive themselves as sexually dominant. And how I found my orientation later in life
Written by: Cybele translation by: Profossgbg (We thought this text was so good that it got two headlines/ed)
My way into BDSM.
I found the BDSM late in life, or better said, I became aware that much of what I appreciated and some I had done were actually in the collective of BDSM.
After two long relationships and a number of short ones, which never really came to life, or survived the first stage of love, where the eroticism and other things in relationship dried up I started to take a serious thinking on why? Why can’t I get my space of desire, why am I seen as sexually demanding? Why don’t we talk about it? The only thing I could reach my partner wish was that the fun was not there and that we could not communicate about it.
I had always appreciated control and often been the driving when it came to life. But I was always sort of a bit too much. Did I want to be otherwise? Test something new? Why would I talk about everything, all the details of the pleasure? Probably, I was still a little bit to curious about how my partner experienced pleasure on the mental plane, one does not speak about such a thing? No? If I wanted to discuss to try to develop sexually and to think about how one could enjoy more than the traditional, so was I seen as a bit hazy or that I went on a little too much. Tantra was fishy, BDSM was sick, the swingers were infidels. But hell, it must be more to sex than penetration with the only goal of an orgasm? Our minds are of course in many ways much richer than that? I wanted to, I wanted more but was silenced and did not make a stand for myself.
I am as a person extremely considerate and caring towards my partners so it was easy to get caught up in to let his needs guide us. There was just not space to find where I was and what I wanted. The playfulness of my partners was limited to from time to time buy a dildo and see a single stereotypical dull porn movie, I was about to die of boredom. So to the extent that I actually got tired of the sex. Oh well, 35 years old, and the sex life is at an end, Oh is this the way it should be? In my husband’s reactions I was able to read that he felt threatened, not to be “the man of the house” when it came to sex.
So around 40 and recently divorced, I said to myself that now was the time to develop in eroticism as well, to grow a little as a person and take more for me in life. The children began to get older and there was now suddenly the time and the space to be more than just a mother. No chance I was going to join that grey group of humans whose life is at a standstill filled with boredom both regarding communication and erotic that I found myself in before. Now I wanted to communicate and find partners who also felt it is important for our relation to work, regardless of the degree or the form of playfulness and experimental lust I looked for open thinking and communication. At the same time, I had spent some of my free time online for many years and read countless pages of things that got it to vibrate a little inside of me, which tickled my imagination. In some way I ended up in relationships where sex and eroticism was something that should work by itself, in all cases considered my partners that, in many respects very traditional in their views on sex and where I would not fall back into again.
I had happened to find BDSM borgen (one of the older web pages about BDSM in Sweden), read short stories and tales about the woman in the dominant role. Many of the parts were completely foreign to me, a sadist was I, of course, absolutely not, but the mental interaction tickled my senses to such a great extent. Now I found a partner for a time who, like me, was curious and playful, and communicative. Jippie…., now, I could sniff at the very things I was curious about.
It was, well, perhaps it did not became quite so for my groping in the matters created a different turn, I think when I find myself in the woodshed, tied up against a pole and toyed with. Absolutely superb, ravishing, exciting and exciting it was, he was phenomenal in the way he read me. He picked up the playfulness, and worked all the time mentally in to the urge would be, and in a number of months I walked around constantly horny, I thought sex was passé for me. I enjoyed some I did and realize today that he not only was playful, he was dominant, even if he really didn’t know so much about BDSM. What happened then within me in my kåtrus? Well, a thought gnawed and interfered in the mists and became stronger and stronger, “WHEN IS IT MY TURN?” In the four months we played sporadically with the control from his side, and I thought again and again and again, “WHEN IS IT MY TURN?” When I get to do what he does on me? I wanted to, I wanted to so that it ached.
.The relationship ended but my curiosity was aroused, and now more specifically focused on BDSM.
A little bit tentative play, but with men more inexperienced than I was it from time to time until I found the Darkside (Swedish bdsm web page). Went in 2009 on my first BDSM party together with a bunch of like-minded people who I’ve met on the site.
Came in, I think I spent several hours gaping at the play, interaction, fetish clothing, collar, leash, spanking and I was hovering. I saw the rush and the kicks of endorphin far beyond what I could ever had imagined. I was, despite my inexperience, respected and accepted as a Domina, I? Was I sadist? Otherwise, why did I become so completely nervous to see a man get a slap? To see someone get spanked and lashed until the endorphins made her a total drunk. I got high seeing a dominant coaxing, clamour, attract, and mentally, slowly, direct control of its submissive by orders and commands, until the submissive was a total drunk. All this without the slightest traditional sexual overtones? Now I got to see everything I had read about and I was hooked, totally caught by what I took in.
That day I knew without a doubt, that I was dominant. I wanted control, I wanted to regulate, and I wanted to be able to take my space without being too much. I could still be nurturing, to see to my partners needs but to take my space, beeing too much and it was appreciated that I was “too much”.
What does it mean, to be the Domina for me?
Yes, my role as a Domina is far from the one you see in porn movies, or one that many outside the world of BDSM believe to be. To be a Domina is for me to nurture, to shape and to take care of the submissive. To see to my partners needs and be able to through a variety of ways, mentally, or more by more hands on to strengthen and manipulate if you want to use that word, him or her to soar, to dare to pick out kinks which you enjoy under the surface, strengthen and raise the temperature yet another step. I have the opportunity to stretch my partner’s boundaries in a way that my partner might not be able to do by them self. I can also see to my pleasure, for me, for my own part in a way that from time to time can be seen as purely egoistic. I, who am used to be totally unselfish and a good girl, can pick up the other pages that also exist in my personality. I have always been the good one, the one who cares and usually let the needs of others go before my, now the other side of me take the front seat.
I need for this not to be tough, hard or roaring bossy, which many people think you have to be to as a Domina. I must not be in any particular way or conduct myself in a particular manner, even if a little role playing sometimes reinforce the levels of power between me and the submissive. I don’t need to shout, raise his voice or always go dressed in the corset. I really need just to be clear, communicate and really know what I want. The communication in relationships that I always missed, here it has got an important and supporting role. Responsiveness and to crawl into someone’s mind mentally is a necessity for BDSM to be like, breathtakingly good.
I can be just the one I want to be and how I want, IF I want to. Through having partners who enjoy to be shaped according to my will, appreciate to follow all the pieces in me as a person, even the parts that likes to see my partners needs before my own, the part that wants to nurture gets satisfied. For I cannot violate, grab, spank, hit, degrade or break someone down if I do not also nurse?
For me, it has been important to find my own way to be the Domina, on my terms. And with my position I am gentle, humorous, childish, caring and with a touch of naivety, I take myself through life and also through BDSM and that’s okay.
One is as much as a Domina wearing an egg stained bath robe as wearing a leather corset. Do not take the role of dominant or submissive in a template someone else has dictated as the only right one for you. Be in the way you want to, find someone that appreciates your thinking and your ways, try for yourself and find your own expression.
All do not like my way but it’s one of the cool things with the world of BDSM, it is that every way is right, nothing is wrong. The combinations of personality, kinks, and interests are so varied and numerous that we all get a place to be unique and highly personal, we can grow, develop and to blossom.
Somewhere on the journey, I became whole, or more correctly expressed integrated in all that is me, all parts of me get space, and I’m growing. Daily I grow me and develop, and it is a fantastic trip.