Written by: Beh-aga, translation by: Profossgbg
A good communication is the foundation for all relationships and in BDSM-realm communication is extremely important. A large part of the things that goes wrong is rooted in lack of communication
Talking and listening is extremely important in the beginning of a relationship, but also in the ongoing relationship. Nothing is static, we the people do change, as well as our desires and our needs.
People who want to act out BDSM together need to know a few things about each other before they get started. It applies to all parties, for example, tell each other if,
What is my picture of BDSM?
What I want to try and not?
What am I curious about?
What I yearn most for?
What I don’t want to experience?
What am I afraid of?
What is an absolute NO from my side?
Which safe words should apply to us?
Have you ever fantasized together? For example, lie in bed and just telling a fantasy can lead both to develop your sessions and a cosy moment at the same time. It can be harder than you think to tell someone a fantasy that you have if never told anyone, a person told me that he turned his back to his partner, otherwise it was not possible – whatever works for you…..
Communication may seem so simple, but feel so difficult. Maybe you don’t know all the answers to the above questions. Say so if that sis this case!
It is perfectly ok to answer “I don’t know” to your partner’s questions and if this is the case it is wise that you carefully try, and even communicate during a session.
In the beginning of a relationship, of course, there is plenty to talk about. You need to exchange thoughts, ideas, opinions, and desires. It is also important to talk after a session and talk about how it felt and how it were to make the experience of it. Later in the relationship you may need to talk about changes, for example if such things as before, felt good, but not any longer, such as a thing that before was you were reluctant to try but now, you have the desire to try, new ideas that pop whatever it might be.
No matter where in the relationship you are, the following tips might be useful:
Listen actively to what your partner is saying and repeat it in your own words. You will then receive confirmation that you got it in the way that the other meant and the risk for misconceptions is reduced.
Ask questions if you are unsure of what the partner says.
Be honest! Don’t tell what you think that the partner wants to hear, but say what you really think. You can’t keep the life of a relationship by personating something you are not and do not want to be.
Take your time to communicate and do it when it is quiet and when nothing else interferes.
It is ok to communicate even during a session. Use the temporary safe word (e.g. yellow), and explain yourself. For example, “I don’t feel good today”.
Keep it simple. Just say what you feel, however, not in any accusatory way, but emanate from yourself.
Don’t be afraid to ask and get a no. If you don’t ask you will never know
If your partner is not at all buying your suggestions and ideas so talk about how you should proceed on the basis that you like different things.
Is it difficult to talk? Some people have a harder with it than others. Write to each other, it is just another kind of communication.
And strengthen like the others say by positive words, to talk about one’s sexuality is for many difficult but everything becomes easier with positive reinforcement.
To talk before is important, but to communicate during and after the session is equally important. The first few times before you can “read” each other better it is important to verbally check during a session, then it is usual that it takes place more through body language mixed with the verbal the more sessions you have had together. To confirm and hug so that your partner feel appreciation afterwards and talk about something that might have been less good is according to us, well, it goes without saying…..
But keep in mind that a lot of feelings can be in the boil so the especially the dominant need to think about how to communicate during the landing after the session.